Sunday, January 2, 2011

Shudder: Possession Kills by S.K.SAINI

For those who have been with me since I've started my blog, you already know that I am a paranormal freak, yes?
Also if anyone doesn't know, I am making a book series, it is crossed between the supernatural and goosebumps. I call it, Shudder by S.K.SAINI.

This one particular story, is one of the books. I call it, Shudder: Possession Kills by S.K.SAINI


Serena Parker and Hailey Chambers were walking back from dinner after celebrating Hailey’s 20th birthday. As the two girls were walking along the side of the footpath, Hailey sighed. Serena, who was walking ahead of her, stopped by the side of a busy intersection and looked back. Serena swished her long black hair and her dark brown eyes stared concerned for her best friend.

“What’s the matter” Serena said, as she stared at her best friend, wondering why on earth she was sad on the day of her birthday. Hailey looked at her smiling slightly, her baby blue eyes and short blonde hair illuminated from the street lights that shone brightly above.

“This is the greatest birthday I could ever have, Serena. Since my family died when I was younger, your parents took me in and you’ve been like a sister to me always,” Hailey smiled, showing her white but crooked teeth. “Thank you for everything today,”

Serena blushed slightly, and said that it was no problem. They stopped talking, and turned to look at the vehicles whizzing by like flies across the intersection.

Serena thought back to when she was only seven years old. She remembered clearly that her mother once took her aside to her bedroom for a little talk. She remembered her mother seating her down on her bed and telling her that there will be a girl with the same age coming to live with them. When asked whether she was going to stay here forever, her mother replied yes. Her mother told her the story of what had happened to Hailey’s family.

Hailey’s younger brother George was an autistic. One day when playing around with crayons in his bedroom, he had an epileptic fit. Her mother Samantha, who had come into his bedroom fifteen minutes later, quickly called her husband Fred who in turn told Hailey to stay in the house, drove both an unconscious George and weeping wife along to the hospital. According to the police reports and witnesses, their four wheel drive spun out of control after hitting an overloaded truck and exploded.

Hailey, who was also seven years old then, was taken into the custody of the police, while they tried to find other family members to take her. My mother, who happened to pass by the accident site, realized (after talking to a few frightened people) that there was a little orphan, who had no idea why she was there, or what had happened to her family. Out of pity, my mother went to the police station; spoke to the officer in charge who helped get her have custody of Hailey, because the police couldn’t find any family members...

A cold, icy wind snapped Serena out of her head; she pulled her coat up higher and shivered.

“You feel cold?” Hailey asked, but Serena ignored her and looked up at the sky. The sky was dark and eerie, the clouds were overcast and rain was starting spit down from the sky, just looking at it gave Serena the shivers. While looking at the sky, another large gust of wind blew at them. Both girls groaned.

“Just can’t wait to get out of this wind,” Serena said irritably, clenching her teeth together to stop them from chattering. She looked at Hailey who was standing still, her hand on the pole where the button for the traffic light was.

“So now Hailey, you’re twenty, single. What are you going to do with your life?” Serena said, trying to strike up a conversation. But Hailey didn’t answer, her hand was still holding the pole, her hand wrapped around the pole so tight, her knuckles were turning white. Serena waited a moment, and when Hailey still didn’t move, Serena touched her shoulder. Hailey span around so quickly that Serena jumped back in fright; Hailey was staring at her with –

Serena froze, staring at her best friend with her mouth gaping open in shock. Hailey’s eyes were pure white, where the pupil should be, there was only blankness. Serena tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She looked at Hailey again but more closely, her face was expressionless, it was just blank. It reminded Serena of the horror movie ‘Children of the Corn’. Finally finding her voice, Serena spoke cautiously.

“H-Hailey?” Serena said nervously, trying to avoid looking at her eyes. Hailey still didn’t move, nor did she utter a word. She was standing there like she was in a trance, or perhaps like she didn’t know she was there or who she was. Then without warning, at the same time sending a chill up Serena’s spine, Hailey spoke. It wasn’t the sweet and kind voice of her best friend, but a harsh and spine chilling voice spoke from within her.

“Let’s play a game,” She said it so coldly, that Serena stepped back a little, afraid that Hailey might attack her. When Serena didn’t say anything, the voice in Hailey continued to speak. “I’ll stand on the road, and if I don’t get hit, then you will get a reward,”

Serena stood on the asphalt baffled, her mouth opened in surprise as Hailey stepped out onto the road. Serena didn’t know what to do. Whatever spoke from Hailey’s mouth, wasn’t normal nor human.

“Hailey?” Serena said in a small voice, scared to speak any louder. “Get off the road before you get yourself killed,” But Hailey just laughed, the hairs on Serena’s back stood up and she shuddered slightly. The thing inside Hailey took another step onto the road, the cars not even stopping as they saw a woman about to walk right into a busy intersection.

“This is the perfect place to play this game,” There was still no expression on her face. Serena’s heart was beating frantically inside her chest.

“Hailey please –“ But before Serena could finish her sentence, a hiss came out of Hailey’s mouth, like a snake about to attack its prey, and her face transformed into a snarl.

Even with Serena’s frantic pleas, Hailey was now standing in the middle of the road. Serena was surprised that she wasn’t hit by a car right there. She seemed to have walked there like she didn’t know how to use her legs, like someone else other than Hailey was forcing it to move. Serena tried to speak again, but only a choke of protest came out. What made Serena even more fearful was that Hailey was smiling, a malice smile that spread across her beautiful face. Then she looked at something which made her smile even wider. When Serena trailed her eyes to what Hailey was looking at, her whole heart froze again in screaming terror.

Not too far away, a large semi-trailer was speeding across the road towards the intersection, right where Hailey was standing. Without even thinking, without even caring for her own life, Serena ran onto the road, dodging the cars that were speeding by and grabbed Hailey’s arm.

“Get off!” snarled Hailey, as she pulled her arm away from Serena with incredible and unexpected force. But Serena couldn’t care and made another grab for her arm again.

“No!” screamed Serena loudly, tugging at her best friends arm to move her. “I’m not letting you do this!” Hailey then unexpectedly grabbed Serena and threw her hard onto the pavement, hitting her head.

Before Serena passed out, before the truck smashed into Hailey, Serena saw a look of fear in Hailey’s eyes. A cry of protest trying to come out of her mouth.


This is still in draft, but please tell me what you think of it. And if there is anything off, please tell me how I can fix it. :)



  1. Not bad, the ending was very creepy which I'm guessing was the effect you wanted. There was one part where you changed POV and said My but the rest of the story is in 3rd person. Also, I'd suggest making it more active by getting rid of all the actions that say 'were [insert action here]' (example they were standing can be made active by saying they stood. from what I've been reading for other authors and agents you want active sentences not passive and were and was tend to make the sentence passive - not all the time but some of the time.)
    Over all, I liked the story and would read more. Keep up the good work and don't be afraid to revise and edit. You can only make it better yourself.